He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
