some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
