I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
