two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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