dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
