I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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