i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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