I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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