i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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