upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i love accidental penises.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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