The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
