My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
