if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
