Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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