he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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