If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize