All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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