As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
