He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
