hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
