As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
