the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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