I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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