batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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