That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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