I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
