She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
