Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
