I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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