somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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