you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
