I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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