brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
