I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
