So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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