I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw a hot homeless man
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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