There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
