I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
