i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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