They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
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If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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