Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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