woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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