She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
