You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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