I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
