if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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