She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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