There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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