I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
