well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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