I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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