$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
