sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
