this boner is exhausting
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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